GET IN LOSER WE'RE GOING SHOPPING

[bandagedmandit]

[Somebody's weekend hasn't been fun. Covering the least wanted shifts at the base, doing all the menial cleaning and paperwork duties as well as chasing after the grunts who wanted to be there even less than he did is hardly Clarence's idea of a Saturday well spent.

But, if anything, it sure works up an appetite. What better way to unwind after a hectic day than with a big, indulgent meal, right?

When Clarence finally rolls off of his and Dick's bed after a much needed nap, his Team Rocket uniform switched out for a much scruffier and relaxed hoodie and jeans combo, his first port of call is obviously the kitchen. He runs a hand absently through his messed-up hair, yawning as he steps over dirty socks as he makes a beeline for the fridge. His stomach grumbles in anticipation as he opens the door. Oh man he's going to make the best freakin' dinner ever, this is going to be so totally—

...]

DIIIIIIIIICK!!

Comments

[gruntingtsun]

[Oh hell no. Oh hell fucking no.
And here he thought he could actually, you know, relax. How fucking stupid of him to think he could actually relax during a fucking weekend-

You know what? He's just going to pretend he didn't hear you, keep watching Ekans On A Plane and rage at how the Pokémon in it are obviously exploited. It has nothing to do with how he's sprawled on the couch and can't be arsed to get up, or the fact he secretly enjoys watching that stupid movie.
Whatever, man. You're probably throwing a bitchfit over the most inane bullshit anyway.]

[bandagedmandit]

[It's not inane! It's a disaster, okay?!

Clarence slams the fridge door and begins frantically flinging open the cupboards. He hisses and curses angrily as each new reveal fails to show him what he wants to see. Nothing, nada! There is no food! ...Okay so there is a little food, but it's all boring stuff like pasta and canned goods and cereal bars and other standard non-perishables like you'd find in most people's cupboards. Where the fuck is all the real food? Clearly this is perfect timing for Clarence's stomach to remind him again how hungry he is, and it does so. He mimes a punch to his own gut before whirling out of the kitchen, standing in the doorway of the living room, red-faced and with his fists clenched like a demanding child.]

DICK!

[PAY ATTENTION TO HIM YOU ASSHOLE]

[gruntingtsun]

[What you can't see: Dick's face growing more and more irritated as you make a loud mess in the kitchen. What you can probably hear: his turning the volume up to an almost deafening level to cover it up.
You want to make noise? Okay, fine! He'll give you noise, jerkface. He will fucking give you noise.

He does hear Clarence yelling from the doorway... but his reaction is deliberately holding up the remote to make it visible and
turning the volume up
and up
and up again.
It's a miracle the windows haven't exploded yet.]

[bandagedmandit]

[FUCK! YOU! Clarence clasps his hands over his ears, face screwed up in pain as he staggers against the doorway. How can you tolerate that, you obviously-deaf bastard? Damn you and your sound force field, he can't even hear himself screaming obscenities at you.

Welp. That's it. Clarnece grits his teeth and narrows his eyes at the shape sprawled on the couch — if this is the way it has to be then so be it. He takes a run-up and leaps over the arm of the sofa in a bid to swipe the remote, clearly not caring if he crushes Dick in the process.]

[gruntingtsun]

[Tsk. Had he been in a really bad mood, he'd have put on some of the "screamo bullshit" you hate so much. This is nothing.

... Or he thinks it's nothing, until he gets crushed by a leaping rocket asshole. Then it's war.]

OWWWW- WHAT THE FUCK?!?

[KICKING AND PUNCHING, PUNCTUATED BY A HEALTHY DOSE OF SWEARING. Too bad he's disadvantaged by the fact he's trying to hold the remote out of Clarence's reach at the same time.]

[bandagedmandit]

[FUCK- OW! DAMMIT DICK! It's hard trying to stay on top when he's getting all punched and kicked and whatnot! You're just bringing this on yourself when you keep struggling.

Clarence hits back with one hand while alternating between ineffective attempts to shield himself from hits and making grabs for the remote with the other, swearing all the while. Here, how do you like it if we kneel on your stomach while we make another lunge for the remote?]

[gruntingtsun]

[OW-! You want the remote? FINE. Have fun fetching it from under the TV stand where he inadvertently flung it when you kneeled him in the fucking stomach.
He'll stay on the couch, clutching his abdomen and showing off his amazing vocabulary (ranging from "FUCK SHIT FUCK" to "OWWW MOTHERFUCKER") and generally being a big baby.]

[bandagedmandit]

[Oh, what? Man, it's way too much effort to pull it out from under there! He'll just go turn it off using the button on the actual TV. ...Wait, that's what he could have done all along, isn't it?

With the audio assault of Ekans Of A Plane blessedly silenced (Clarence takes a second to knead his still ringing ears with his fingers. Seriously, ow), he stomps back over to the couch and stands over Dick. Normally he'd find Dick's lack of pain tolerance meanly hilarious, but there's still this one pressing issue at hand.]

Where's all the food?

[gruntingtsun]

[Man, he really feels like he's gone deaf for a second, what's with the sudden lack of sound. Fortunately, the rocket moron is here to remedy to that with his ANNOYING LOUD BITCHING.

He puts his hands behind his head in the most obnoxious way he can muster, still looking like Clarence pissed in his cereals.
... Don't get any gross idea, Clarence.]

Guess your fat ass ate it all.

[He's internally going "shit, are we really out of grub", but right now he's much too pissy to be cooperative.
So mature.]

[bandagedmandit]

[Dick might regret the fat ass comment when that same ass is crushing his middle. Geronimo— wait aren't you just backing-up Dick's insult by flattening him with your butt, Clarence? Well, whatever. He's not sharp enough to consider that so, again, geronimo! Clarence glowers down at his human-cushion boyfriend.]

Me? Who's the fat one here? I bet you're the one who cleared out all the good stuff you greedy git!

[gruntingtsun]

[Dick lets out a very distinctive OOMPH when Clarence decides to flatten him with his BIG, FAT ASS, but he doesn't let that deter him from making a snappy comeback.]

Oh, yeah! I'm totally the one who ate all that gross meat shit you insist on keeping in the fridge! How fucking silly of me.

[bandagedmandit]

[Clarence bounces once for good measure and glowers down at Dick.]

That "gross meat shit" is better than your Buneary food crap! Which is all that's left in the fucking cupboards! All your cardboard seeded stuff! Why is there no real food left?